Dream2be

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? Perhaps you have a
shopping list of “must have” traits. If so, you are not alone. The
most common characteristics people want in their partners include honesty, intelligence,
sense of humor, openness to new ideas, stability, communication, common hobbies
and interests, and willingness to work on the relationship to make it succeed.
Though men and women might seek similar traits in a partner, research has
demonstrated that each individual focuses on different qualities. Men typically
want a relationship that allows autonomy, while women look for a sense of
connection.

To begin your quest to find the right partner, think about the traits and
behaviors you prefer. Most people automatically think of superficial traits
such as “height” or “blue eyes.” Though these traits
can be important, other traits are more important when it comes to having a
healthy, long-term relationship. Here is a list of some important qualities to
consider:

Commitment to personal growth

Is interested in learning how to be a better person and spouse.

Is aware of emotional baggage, blind spots, and
weaknesses for
self-improvement.

Emotional Openness

Is aware of his or her own feelings

Is able to express his or her feelings

Desires to share feelings with you

Integrity

Is honest with himself or herself

Is honest with others and you

Does not play games about wants and feelings

Maturity and Responsibility

Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles
finances

Is able to take care of himself or herself

Follows through on promises, shows up on time,
doesn't let people down

Respects your boundaries, feelings, time, etc.

High Self-esteem

Takes pride in himself or herself without being
arrogant

Takes care of body, living environment, car,
possessions

Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her

Positive Attitude Towards Life

Focuses on solutions instead of problems

Turns obstacles into opportunities

Sees the good in situations and people

Now that your list is complete consider some flaws that are fatal to a
relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be
capable of having a relationship. However, you may have a problem-filled
relationship. According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD the
following is a list of fatal flaws:

• Addictions
• Anger
• Victim consciousness
• Control freak
• Sexual dysfunction
• Hasn't grown up
• Emotionally unavailable
• Hasn't recovered from past
  relationships
• Emotional damage from
  childhood

Analyze Yourself

Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back
from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous
break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and handle
them . In
addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What
mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want
to develop in future relationship(s)? Finally, examine other factors that might
affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female
roles, religious background, and socioeconomic needs.

Analyze Your Relationship

Once you are in a relationship continue to examine your compatibility with
your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to be in a
relationship. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential
problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities
you like because they don't interest your partner or reducing communication
with family members your partner dislikes.

Talk to Your Partner

You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. You need to find
out the behaviors and attitudes you can expect for later. It is important to
learn not only about your partner but also about your partner's relationship
with his or her family. Moreover, learning about your partner's family will
provide insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:

• What do you like to do for
  fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get
  out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure
  activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do
  on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
• How do you handle tough
  times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
• What were your parents like
  when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and
  now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
• What are your plans for the
  future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money?
  Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about?
  What conversations do you like to avoid?

Take Your Time

Overall, be patient. Take the time to get to know potential partners before
jumping into a relationship. After all, you wouldn't select the first apple
that caught your eye in the produce bin! Why be any less selective with your
choice of mate?