Dream2be

Did you ever chase your love away after you broke up with her?

Did you get depressed and stopped living you life hoping for a miraculous intervention?

Did you end up stalking her and leaving multiple phone, text and email messages to which she never replied?

Did you end up approaching her friends and family to intervene and save the relation for you but it only made her angry?

Did you end up professing your utmost feelings that you love her and reasoned why she should not leave you but it all went in vain?

Did you end up promising how you will change everything about you if she stays?

Are you suffering every minute wanting to patch this relation?

Did you know that if a person makes a mistake and then tries to fix it in a panic, they will only make the situation worse?

Breaking up with a person that you are still in love with could be an enormous mistake. But an even bigger mistake is to try to ‘patch up’ things with your ex immediately and do it wrong. Often our emotions and behavior will drive our ex even further away. And here is why…

Right after a break up your whole body is suffering from a great deal of emotional stress. During this time, we completely shut off our logic and base our actions solely on our instincts. This means that we act first, and think afterwards.

In the most critical situations, this built-in self-defense mechanism helps us to act fast and even survive. But when it comes to relationships our instincts will usually lead us in the wrong direction. The state of extreme panic and desperation, because you realize that you can lose the love of your life, fills you with an extreme need to fix the problem immediately at any cost. This make you do stupid things and regret them later.

However, if you do not want to push your ex even further away from you, never, and I mean NEVER, do the following:

1. Never chase after your ex

I know that the first thing that you want to do is to talk to your ex and convince them to get back together - DON’T (especially if your ex was the initiator of the break up). You are most likely still overwhelmed by emotions and might do or say something that will completely ruin your chances to get back with your ex. By chasing after your ex I mean: calling or texting them over and over again , writing long emails, waiting for your ex in front of their house, ‘accidentally’ bumping onto them on the street or in the supermarket, sending your friends (not sure what you want to put in here) as messengers or contacting your ex’s relatives.

There is a reason why you split up. And there are obviously some unresolved conflicts, hurt feelings, mutual accusations and relationship problems that need to be discussed with a clear head and not when you are ruled by emotions. Give your ex space and enough time after the break up to cool down and think things over. In fact, avoid getting in contact with your ex for some time and see what happens. They will eventually call you.

2. Don't argue with your ex

A break up usually comes as a shock. Even if there have been problems in the past, you have always managed to overcome them. And now, suddenly, a person that you care about decides to break up with you. Obviously you ask them “WHY?” Your ex might give you one or two reasons. But your first reaction is to convince them that it would be a mistake to break up. There is 100% guarantee that it is not going to work. Moreover, your ex will start vigorously defending their point of view. And the more you try, the more they will resist.

Do you know what would work much better in this case? To agree with your ex! I know it may sound crazy, but it actually works like magic. If you are not arguing about a break up, your ex will start to question if they have been too hasty in their decision to leave you. And eventually, they might want to get back with you!

3. Don't act needy or depressed

You might have made mistakes in the past that eventually lead to a breakup. But it does not mean that you should beg forgiveness from your ex and ask them to give you another chance. First of all, it makes you look needy and pathetic, which diminishes you in the eyes of your ex and makes them feel uncomfortable. Second, doing this will almost certainly reduce your self-esteem and self-respect. Third, the more you plead to get back together, the less likely it will happen.

4. Don't profess your undying love

It is a natural response to say “I love you”, to make a person that you love come back to you. Unfortunately, it does not help improve the situation. If your ex decided to end the relationship, declaring your love over and over again is not going to change anything. It takes more than three words to resolve underlying issues that have led to the break up in the first place.

There is another crucial point to consider… People usually want what they can not have. When something important is taken from us, we are ready to do anything to get it back. This is the position you are probably in right now. Your ex, on the other hand, will not have the same sense of urgency to get back with you. Why would they, if you are proclaiming your undying love? What is the point of getting back to you NOW, when your ex thinks that they are not going to lose you anyway? I know that it may seem harsh, but it is true. Saying “I love you” to a person that has broken up with you makes you seem needy, if not desperate.

5. Stop always being there for your ex

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After your break up, your ex might try to stay friends with you. It is a wonderful thing to end relationship without scandals and hard feelings. But it does not mean that you should go out of your way every time your ex needs some help, advice or moral support. You may think that if you are always there for your ex, eventually they will realize that you are the perfect mate for them. Again, real life proves times and again that things do not work this way. Your ex will not miss you or regret losing you, if you come running every time they need your help.

For example, sooner or later your ex might start to see other people and then discuss it with you, because you are “such a wonderful friend” or because you are “the only person that truly understands them”. Do not confuse this friendship and gratitude with attraction. Believe me, you do not want to put yourself in the ‘friend’s position. It is probably the surest way to stay there for the rest of your life. I am not saying that if something terrible happens or if your ex really needs your help, you should completely ignore them. But do not be afraid to say “NO, if it runs counter to your own plans or wishes.

6. Don't exaggerate the gravity of the situation

Sometimes a break up may seem like the end of the world. Life becomes meaningless. Goals stop to matter. The future seems dark and depressing. I often hear men and women say, “I’ve lost the love of my life”, “I blew my only chance for happiness!”, “Only now I realize that we were meant to be together” and “I am doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life”. Even if at the moment it seems true, thinking about it will get you nowhere!

By exaggerating the gravity of situation, you are missing one crucial point. You are the only person responsible for your happiness. Let me repeat it once again, because 99% of getting back with your ex, depends on whether or not you understand this phrase. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. The world does not revolve around your ex’s mood, decisions, or actions. Nor does your happiness depend on it. As soon as you realize this, you will see that life does not stop with a break up.

In fact, ending old nonfunctional relationships gives you an opportunity to leave all your problems behind and start again from scratch (be it with your ex or with another person). Stop focusing your attention on what has gone wrong. There is no point in blaming yourself and mentally beat yourself up. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Your situation is not hopeless until you start to see it that way.

7. Stop avoiding social life

The easiest thing to do after a break up is to feel sorry for ourselves. All we want to do is to lock ourselves in at home, crawl under the covers and sulk in our misery. And naturally, we want the whole world to know about our pain and to grieve with us. This is a big mistake! If you catch yourself doing this – stop. Yes, you do have some very good reasons to feel both physical and emotional pain, but your sufferings are not going to change the situation. Nor is your depression and misery attractive to your ex. At best they might feel sorry for you, but it is definitely not an emotion that you are going after. Pity and love do not mix.

8. Don't try to make your ex jealous

It is the most common mistake most people make. We are wrongfully led to believe that if we make our ex jealous, they will change they mind and magically come running back to us. Here is why this tactic almost never works…

If you are going out of your way to demonstrate that you have moved on, your ex will see it as: a) a desire to ‘get even’ (which makes you look vindictive and small-minded); b) an attempt to manipulate them into getting back by using jealousy (which makes you look desperate and pathetic). As you see none of these possibilities makes your ex want to get back with you.

Jealousy can be effective only in one case – when you start seeing other people, because you want to move on with your life. Believe me, your ex will immediately sense it. If you are really interested in another person, you should not brag about it or ‘accidentally’ leave hints lying around your house, so your ex realizes that you are seeing someone else. You should be honest about it.

9. Don't use tricks, manipulating mind-games and ploys to ‘force’ your ex to come back

Do you know what is worse than not getting your ex back? Have them hate and disrespect you for the rest of your life. That is exactly what all the tricks, ploys and mind-games accomplish. And yet many people continue to use kids, money, gifts, bad health, emotions, sense of duty and guilt to manipulate their ex into getting back. Do not make the same mistake. First, your ex will see right through it. They are smarter than that. Second, tricks and ploys never bring long-term results. Even if you get back with your ex, it is not going to be for the long term. They will leave you, because mind-games and ploys will not resolve the root-cause that has led to the break up. It is just like trying to cure a broken arm with a piece of band aid.

10. Don't let yourself go

Nothing increases your odds against getting back with your ex as getting drunk every night, adding 20 pounds, and giving up on your appearance. All it does is boosts your ex’s ego and convinces them that they have made the right decision to leave you. No matter how much you suffer, it is definitely not the time to let yourself go. You must look your best to show the whole world what your ex is losing by not being with you. Sign up for a gym or a dance class, read self-help books, sign up for a workshop that helps to boost self-confidence, get a new haircut or buy a cool wardrobe. Use the time after the break up to improve yourself, so when your ex meets you they will be blown away by what they see.